I am terribly tender these days. Each season as the leaves start their phases of change and descend to the earth, and trees let go making space for their much needed and timely dormancy…I feel it too. I feel winter coming laying its quiet blanket over all living things. I feel it in and through me and there is nothing I can do about it.
I have best described it as a wave that rises up. You see it coming before you feel it. You can sense the retraction of air and the pull of the sea as it prepares to rage up and crash forward. It is an act of nature and just like the change of season…there is nothing you can do about it.
For the past few years, I have warred against it though. I have fought the feelings. In some years I have disconnected to not feel what is coming “I am fine, I am fine, I am fine…” In other years I have been overcome with grief and feeling with no hope, no guidance. It has felt much like being pulled under a wave and instead of surrendering, instead of letting nature run its course. I was fighting the wrong fight.
I was fighting against myself and against my God instead of fighting for myself and fighting the Good Fight for the sake of others, for the sake of my story.
Since I was a child I have been plagued with this concept of purpose. I pondered the purpose of most things around me: life, joy, and pain. There are some things we never grow out of, as though we think we should, as though that is the goal. Instead, there are things we grow into through the means of the story we are given.
All of the trees barely have any leaves left. Christmas lights are everywhere. Songs of joy are being sung everywhere I turn and yet I sit here with tears because I feel, Oh how I feel so deeply. A few days ago I wept at the feet of my Christmas tree right after I hung an ornament with my brother's name on it. I wept because the moment was beautiful. I wept because it hurt so much at the same time. I wept because of the balance of life and death, in this world and in me.
My weeping was a prayer, a wordless prayer and God answered with an impression deep on my heart…
”Write. Just write. Keep writing. Let others in on the interworking of your heart and mind and journey. Be a voice. Just keep writing….”